Saturday, September 29, 2018

Blessings in Brokenness

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Broken. Crushed. It hurts to even type these words, but that's where I've found myself the last couple of weeks. Getting ready for bed one night, I was hit by memory upon memory of the gut-wrenching decisions we made about hospice care. Out of the blue, that was the scenario that camped out in my head. Hospice. That word should never, ever, ever have to be in a conversation about your child. Yet there it was again. Right at two years to the day we signed paperwork that made me sick to my stomach. Back to rob me of any thoughts of sleep that night.

I was hopeful peace would return the next day, but I was mistaken. A rough morning and afternoon were just the beginning. It all came undone that evening when I came across a couple of pictures I had long forgotten. They were the absolute last pictures of us with Paige, taken just a few hours before all pain medication was increased to the point of no return. Just about 30 hours or so before my baby girl went to be with Jesus. I stared at them for what seemed like hours--though it was likely less than a minute. She was so sick. So, so sick--but trying her best to smile through the pain. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I put the phone down, walked out of the room, and fell to my knees on my bathroom floor. I totally, completely lost it. At that moment--and for several days after--it was like I lost my heart, my purpose, even my mind. I could only see the broken. Thankfully, God saw more than that. He was right there with me on the floor that night, gently putting this broken mom back together yet again.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.   2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Comfort. My epic meltdown occurred just a few days before a planned trip to the hospital with some friends who are fellow cancer moms. In the works for weeks, we would be serving dinner and delivering gift cards to families on the 9th floor at TCH. Families who are walking a road we had all traveled. Families who needed encouragement from people who have been there. I prayed and prayed about whether I should go through with that visit. My head and heart fought back and forth--and my heart won.

Serving those families that night blessed my heart immeasurably. Loading their plates and encouraging seconds. Dishing out desserts. Seeing exhausted moms leave smiling because their families got to eat a 'real meal' together. Watching kiddos' excitement upon receiving their gift cards. Taking something off those parents' shoulders for even a split second--now that's a blessing. God brought me out of my mess that night so I could spread His message of love with others.

He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed.   Psalm 107:29

Calming the Storm. That evening at the hospital, the waves of grief that threatened to take me down subsided. God calmed the storm inside of me and gave me words to comfort and encourage. As we shared the message "No One Fights Alone," God reminded me I am not alone--in any of this. I was there with a group of incredibly strong women--moms who know childhood cancer all too well. Some have even watched their precious kiddos go to be with Jesus. This is a hard, hard road to travel, but we don't travel it alone. We have each other. We have the Lord. I think we all need a reminder of that now and then. I certainly did.

A joyful heart is good medicine...   Proverbs 17:22

Jake from TCH, not State Farm :)
Good Medicine. Not only did we visit with kiddos and their families at the hospital that night, we had a chance to reconnect with several of our nurses. These ladies and gentlemen truly serve with joyful hearts--even when the circumstances are less than joyful. They smile at our silly attempts at humor that provide distractions from the storms raging inside our children's bodies. The love and compassion they share is nothing short of amazing.

They are busy, busy people who treat many, many children-- and have said, "See you in a little bit" to far too many children. Yet still they smile. Still they laugh. Still they remember. They remember smiles and laughter. They remember challenges and fighting spirits. They remember.

It did my heart so much good to hug their necks. To see their faces. To hear they miss my girl and think of her often. To be told she will never be forgotten. Ever. That was good medicine for this momma's heart.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.   Philippians 4:13

On the roughest of days, I look to Him. On the best of days, I look to Him. The Lord gives me strength, and because of Him I will not fall. I will continue to follow where He leads--even when it happens to be on one of those rough days. He blesses me in my brokenness, and I never even see it coming. What an incredible God we serve.

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