Two Years.

Two years. 24 months. 104 weeks. 730 days. And that's still not as long as she fought the cancer beast. Paige has still been gone less time than I spent taking care of her. Two YEARS. Some days it feels like a lifetime ago. Other days it seems like yesterday.

I've traveled the road of a bereaved mom for two years now and have come to discover it's still a very new road for me. I made it through the fog of the first year naively thinking that would be the worst. I was quite mistaken. Maybe that fog was God's way of protecting me from day after day of unbearable pain those first days and months. Maybe He knew I needed that cushion after watching Paige step into Heaven. Maybe it served as a shield as He comforted me through the worst loss imaginable. I will never know this side of Heaven, but I do know that each day God gave me exactly what I needed to get through the day-to-day and take care of my guys. That was Year One - Year of the Fog. This year--the second year without my girl--the passage of time became all too real. It hit me, and it hit hard.

For starters, there's Jeremy. He looks nothing like the boy in pictures with his sister. Two years later he is a young man doing well in tough high school classes while coming into his own in golf and bowling. I often see glimpses of Paige in him--they were actually more alike than either would ever admit. Goal-oriented. Determined. Witty. Jeremy serves as an everyday reminder there is still life to be lived. There are still great things to be accomplished.

Then there are the pictures. Two years in, and I've not quite built up the strength to put up new photos. Sure, I've taken pictures--but as of yet just haven't had it in me to get them printed and up on the wall. I don't yet have the stamina to make it through video clips of Paige without melting into a puddle of tears. There's so much life in a video. Life. Movement and speaking and laughing--oh, how I miss that laugh. From here on out, there will always be someone missing from moments captured in photos and videos. There will always be someone whose smile I long to see, whose voice I long to hear. When that someone is your child, it's a very bitter pill to swallow. In fact, sometimes it feels like I'm choking on it.

The reality is I have no choice but to swallow that pill. To play the hand that was dealt. To continue moving forward one day at a time. It baffles me how my heart is almost living a double life--doing life here with my people and at the same time missing Paige so much it hurts. I guess that's yet another thing not meant for me to understand. God sees a much bigger picture from His perspective, and I will continue to trust Him. I know He had a purpose for Paige's life. I will continue having faith in His plan for my life. He is always good. He is always faithful.

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Paige, my sweet girl...

As time forges ahead and we mark another year without you here, I am reminded how beautifully you lived out Romans 12:12. Joyful in hope. Patient in affliction. Faithful in prayer. I want to be like you when I grow up, girl. I'm trying--I promise.  I miss you. I love you. Always and forever. I'll see you in a little bit.