My sweet girl is no longer in pain. I know it. She is at peace. I believe it. She has eternal life with Jesus. God promised it. I trust His word even though I struggle to see the purpose in this particular plan. He will reveal it in His time.
For now, we deal with the "firsts." The first night home. The first trip out of town. The first holiday season. I struggle like crazy with those stinking "On This Day" reminders on social media. They're simply proof Paige was right; I sure did take a ton of pictures of that girl. Each time one pops up, it tugs--actually, it yanks with great force--at my heart. I take a moment to catch my breath and then take in every ounce of that beautiful smile.
Grief--and working through it--puts you on a very long, very rough road. Losing a child doesn't just hurt. It is devastating. Elizabeth Stone likened having a child to forever having "your heart go walking around outside your body." There is such truth in that statement. I carried that precious baby for nine months--actually a bit longer--and knew everything about her routine during that time. Elbows in my ribs--all day, every day. Hiccups at 7 pm on the dot--every single night. She even "craved" Sonic slushes several days a week; of course, I obliged. I had to take care of my girl. Fast forward to cancer diagnosis. After diagnosis. After diagnosis. Medications, appointments--you name it, I was part of it. Wiping her tears, holding her hand, cheering her on, and just plain being in awe of that girl. Paige and I joked about being joined at the hip--and for almost three years, we truly were. We drove each other crazier than we ever thought we could, yet at the same time grew closer than we ever dreamed possible. Each day I'm trying to remind myself that she's still here with me, just in a different capacity. That heart that walked around outside my body is now watching over our family.Kinda great having such a cool guardian angel.
Behold, I send an angel before you to guard you on the way... Exodus 23:20
For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations
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Such beautiful words. I never met her, but I am in tears as I read the words of your heart. I admire the strength that you have both shown through this journey. I'm praying for you.❤️
ReplyDeleteLove this. It is so open and honest. I shared a bit of your story with a friend the other day. She was struggling with regular life problems. I told her about meeting you and your husband at Paige's visitation. I talked to her about the amazing amount of faith in your family and how your strength was in the Lord. I encouraged her to consider praying about her struggles and laying down her burdens at His feet. You guys are shining the light of the Lord, even through your pain and loss.
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