Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Struggling to Quit Struggling

I'll be honest...the last few weeks have found me struggling.  Struggling with Paige being back in school, even if only for part of the day.  Struggling with worry over her upcoming procedures or everyday aches and pains and trying not to let fear take over.  Just plain struggling with everything.

A little over a year ago, we were floored by the news of Paige's diagnosis.  I've shared that we made the decision that very day to pick ourselves up off the floor and trust God's plan for Paige's life and His timing for her healing.  For the last 12 months, I've managed to hold it together--standing firm on faith and hope--as we made our way along this path.  Actually, it was God holding me together, holding me up when it felt like my knees could buckle at any moment.  So what in the world is going on with me now?  Why am I such a stinking mess?

The answer is quite simple:  I've come to find that I'm human.  Yes, human.  After running on faith, hope, and pure adrenaline the last year, it's become very clear that I do not possess superhuman powers.  Of course, I've always been aware of this fact--but now that Paige has reached the much-deserved maintenance phase and I've had a couple of minutes to stop and breathe...it's hit me.  And it's hit me hard.

I have had more worry, anxiety, and just plain fear running through me the last few weeks than all of 2014 combined.  Will Paige be okay back in a school setting?  What do those aches and pains mean? Are they normal--or something else?  Now that chemo is spaced further apart, will the cancer cells stay away?  I had to stop and remind myself that these things are just not in my control.  Somewhere along the way, when I stopped to breathe, did I take my eyes--and my focus, for however brief a time--off of God?   I could feel worry and fear trying to take over and knew I couldn't beat them on my own.

And then--I had 'a moment.'  Really, it was a combination of several moments.  Every song I heard, every quote or scripture I came across--all served to remind me to get my focus back where it needed to be.  God was gently turning my eyes back to Him.  It is by His grace, His mercy--nothing else--that we are still a family of four.  That we have this time to figure out our new way of doing life.  That nothing on this earth is guaranteed and to treasure that with which I have been blessed.  Message received.  I will continue this journey one step at a time, one day at a time, placing my faith and trust in the Almighty God.  That, my friends, is more than enough.

...the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, while Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.   1 Peter 5:10

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