Friday, November 18, 2016

My Guardian Angel

I miss my girl.  I miss her voice.  Her laugh.  Her smile.  I miss running my hands through that beautiful curly hair.  I miss watching our favorite shows together.  I miss nagging her about water intake.  I miss praying with her.  I miss everything about her.  Absolutely everything.

My sweet girl is no longer in pain.  I know it.  She is at peace.  I believe it.  She has eternal life with Jesus.  God promised it.  I trust His word even though I struggle to see the purpose in this particular plan.  He will reveal it in His time.

For now, we deal with the "firsts."  The first night home.  The first trip out of town.  The first holiday season.  I struggle like crazy with those stinking "On This Day" reminders on social media.  They're simply proof Paige was right; I sure did take a ton of pictures of that girl.  Each time one pops up, it tugs--actually, it yanks with great force--at my heart.  I take a moment to catch my breath and then take in every ounce of that beautiful smile.

Grief--and working through it--puts you on a very long, very rough road.  Losing a child doesn't just hurt.  It is devastating.  Elizabeth Stone likened having a child to forever having "your heart go walking around outside your body."  There is such truth in that statement.  I carried that precious baby for nine months--actually a bit longer--and knew everything about her routine during that time.  Elbows in my ribs--all day, every day.  Hiccups at 7 pm on the dot--every single night.  She even "craved" Sonic slushes several days a week; of course, I obliged.  I had to take care of my girl.  Fast forward to cancer diagnosis.  After diagnosis.  After diagnosis.  Medications, appointments--you name it, I was part of it.  Wiping her tears, holding her hand, cheering her on, and just plain being in awe of that girl.  Paige and I joked about being joined at the hip--and for almost three years, we truly were.  We drove each other crazier than we ever thought we could, yet at the same time grew closer than we ever dreamed possible.  Each day I'm trying to remind myself that she's still here with me, just in a different capacity.  That heart that walked around outside my body is now watching over our family.

Kinda great having such a cool guardian angel.

Behold, I send an angel before you to guard you on the way...   Exodus 23:20

Friday, November 4, 2016

A New Chapter Begins...

Our family began a new chapter this week.  Yet to be titled, it's a work in progress as we try to navigate this new road, this uncharted territory that finds just three of us in a place where there once were four.  Paige will always be with us, of course--on our minds and in our hearts.  In pictures of that beautiful face with the unforgettable smile.  In audio recordings of a beautiful voice at her silliest.  In videos showing crazy dance moves.  It's the whole "not being able to reach out and hug her" thing that's so stinking hard.

A little less than two weeks ago, Paige received her healing.  Her peace.  Her miracle.  As badly as I wanted that healing here--as hard as we all prayed for just that--it simply wasn't part of God's purpose for her life.  We will never know (on this side of Heaven) just how many lives our sweet girl touched in her 16 years.  What I do know is that her light will continue to shine.  Boyce, Jeremy, and I will make sure of that.  We have some pretty big shoes to fill, but Team Paige will carry on with a purpose.

I'm not done writing about our family's journey of faith as we enter this new season of our lives.  I am, however, altering the name of the blog--changing it from Pray for Paige to Team Paige.  Seems like a good place to start.  The blog address will stay the same for now, and older posts will still be accessible.  Gotta keep sharing our girl's story.  She deserves nothing less.

In the meantime, the boys and I will follow Paige's lead in living out Romans 12:12 - Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  I do hope you'll join us.

See You in a Little Bit, Sweet Girl

October 24, 2016.  Heaven gained its newest angel as our sweet Paige went to be with Jesus.  She finally received the healing and peace she'd been wanting and needing for so very long.  I'm so very blessed to have spent 16 years with that amazing young lady.  Brave.  Strong.  Determined.  Selfless in prayer for others.  Joy in the face of adversity.  Steadfast in faith.  I want to be like her when I grow up.

I miss my sidekick something crazy.  After all, we were joined at the hip for almost 3 years.  Next to my husband, the girl was my best friend.  I talked with her quite often about how something good--or lots of "something goods"--would come from her struggles.  We will continue to share her story and make sure her light continues to shine.  She deserves nothing less.  

I'll see you in a little bit, my love.